beyond the blunderbuss

First there was the mace. Then there was the blunderbuss. Now, we introduce this entirely new product that goes above and beyond the blunderbuss!

Gasp as it fires projectiles… in 25 different preset directions… in 4 dimensions! Be amazed as it cuts through your enemies like water on the rocks! Stare as it revolutionizes warfare with a fresh, minty sent. With a fully automated bore hole 15 barleycorns across, and a full 6 shaftments in length, it is capable of sending up to 0xF 7 caliber projectiles per second per barrel for up to 60 minuets per magazine. But it does so much more than just decimate your foes, it does your laundry, quickly and efficiently sorting colours from the whites! It can store up two a weeks worth of nutritious rations, and is capable of grinding three of the five most popular cereal grains (sorghums, barley and wheat). It can even bake breads, pies, cakes, Danish pastries, a variety of other pastries, and homunculi. It comes with 6 standard airbags, a fully loaded v12 400 horsepower engine, with a 2 hogshead gas tank, capable of getting up to 9 chains per butt, and can hit a top speed of five furlongs per fortnight. All this power allows it to convert up to 10 non-believers an hour, without need of a human operator. It can bet the mechanical Turk at chess, and checkers. It can translate, and transliterate, between five languages of your choosing. With an easy to use knob driven interface, all you have to do to operate it is follow the onscreen instructions. The software is clear and simple to understand, and can be used by a complete technical novice. It even comes with standard leather seats, so you, the customer, can cruse in style.

No other product offers so many features, or as much comfort, for such a low price! Buy one now and receive another half off.*


*Offer only valid in the united states of America, excluding the state of hawai’i, Ca’nada, excluding the province of Quebec.