those air fresheners

so, my mom bought a two pack of "pumpkin spice" flavored (yes, flavored, i'll get into that) air fresheners. so, i strapped one into my backpack ant went to school. while i waited in the library for school to start (still waiting, by the the way, some kids have to take the Washington Assessment of Student Learning or WASL) i pulled the bag off, and nearly everyone died. it was overpoweringly strong(thus the "flavored"). so, we concocted a plan to rob a store.

1 just buy 30 or forty trees, take of the bags, put them into a large plastic zip-lock style bag, and walk into a store.
2 put on gas mask.
3 pull out all of the air fresheners, and break them in half, and through like they are grenades.
4 when every one goes unconscious, loot the store.

a picture of me

it occurs to me that i have not yet posted a picture of my self so that you know what i look like. so here it is!

tada!

a new story would be up, but my brother stole the lappy it was on. it will be up tommarrow.

in other news...

i will be participating in the day of silence day tomarrow, wednessday the 18 of april 2007. with any luck, i won't actualy say anything all day.

i made this little sticker this mourning. it says "i love little severin" based off of frank key's little severin the mystic badger.

Queen mauve learns to fly.

Once upon a time there was a queen named queen mauve, and she was the reigning monarch in all the land of gelp. She had no husband, so she was all alone. She ruled over the people fairly, and was liked by all. If ever there was a schism between two or more political parties in the land of gelp, queen mauve would figure out a suitable middle ground. One day, she decided that the mass transportation system needed an overhaul. She then listened to her top advisers, her not top advisers, several experts on the topic, a couple of u.s. senators, the heads of the various political parties, and many of the people on the street. After a long and arduous process, she had narrowed her options to three.

The first option was to build a viaduct. The second option was to use trains. The third and final option was to use busses, and allocate roads that only the busses could use. She tried to figure which one to use. She asked her top advisors, but they were split between the three, so were her not top advisers, and all the experts on the topic, the u.s. senators, and the heads of the political parties. After a long pause she decided to put it up to a vote open to the general public. When all the votes had bean counted, and re counted, re voted due to allegations of election fraud, lost, found, re-written on to red pieces of paper rather than blue, and then counted again, the population was still divided equally between the three. All the people in the land waited to hear her answer, so she went into a quite and empty room, sat on the ground



Just then, leprechaun materialized and told her that he would grant her one wish. she asked “why are you a leprechaun and not a genii?”

“genies give you three wishes, I only give you one” he explained, somewhat exasperated.

“yes, but why do I only get one wish” “she inquired.

“because I am a leprechaun.” He reiterated.

“why are you a leprechaun?” she queried.

“because of my mom.” He said, somewhat abashed.

Queen mauve gave up trying to find out why she had bean sent a leprechaun and not a genii. She thought long and hard about what to wish for. She thought of the problems besetting her people, war, famine, and droughts. She thought of he personal problems, her brother, her lack of husband and many other things. Then she said.

“I want to learn how to fly!”

and the leprechaun waved his arms around in the air and said so magical words, and disappeared. Queen mauve leapt over to the giant four poster bed and tore of a bed sheet. She ran to the balcony, and stood very still, holding the bed sheet over he head. after a second, she adjusted her grip so that her hands where three quarters of the way between the corners, on the long end, and so the majority trailed out behind her. Then she jumped into the air, and the bed sheet lifted he away and she flew around the city.

When she landed, she went back inside, folded up the bead sheet, issued forth from the room she had bean in, and addressed her people, for she had made a diccision.

what actualy happend

so, as it turns out my prognostication methods need a lot of fine tuning. not only was i wrong about yesterday's story, but i was wrong about my english essay. i got it done with only a couple of hours work, around 13:00 local time (21:00 GMT)(no story because mario distracted me. he started it). it 'twas a piece of pastry/confection. if it was a pastry, it would not be a vegan pastry, it has to have eggs. unless of course it was designed to be vegan (my preferences, vegans can eat what they want), but if it is supposed to have eggs, then it will have eggs. same with milk. and no skimping on the milk/creem. if it is supposed to have cream, no nonfat creme, it must have creme, no exceptions. if you are dieting, just eat a little less. as the old axiom goes, if it's worth doing, it's worth doing right. and as for confection, mass produced is ok, but it had better be a good product. i mean if it is worth only a piece of confection, it had better be a good confection, because i am not going on a diet any time soon.

hopefully my prognostication method will work this time. i switched over from intense concentration and self reflection (used for last predictions made) and made it intense study of my surroundings, cross-referenced with past experience, and by date of birth, chinese zodiac sign (monkey), the positions of the stars when i was born, bird calls, omens, tea leaves (replaced with coffee dregs, i am not overly fond of tea), spoke coming off of a fire, and \ cryptic windows error messages. with any luck, my predictions will be more accurate.

how to keep your locker god happy

as it turns out, my prognostication methods need some fine tuning. i dug up this old piece i wrote in or around september.

In all lockers there dwells a god. Not a large god, and not a god for monotheists, but a god nonetheless. This god’s form changes according to the beliefs of the locker user. This god can be male, female, or none of the above.

This god owns the locker. There is a different god for each locker. Your godly beliefs and favors will travel with you, be nice to you seventh grade god, and, just like karma, you r deeds will automatically travel to your next locker god.

Your locker god should be kept happy. Talking to it, or leave it offerings will accomplish this. Happiness on the part of you god is beneficial to you. When your god is happy, it will spread its happiness to other gods. These gods could be god, the gods of you grades, or paycheck, or any other deity or demigod who may be near by, in cosmic terms. The gods of you grades (or paycheck) dwell wherever grades (or paycheck) are kept, regardless of the system, computes, file cabinets, and all the rest are under their purvey. when happy, the gods of your grades/paycheck they keep might “accidentally” change your grades/paycheck up a percent or two.

Offerings to your locker god can be anything that will fit in that locker. The offering should be of some value to you, but does not have to be a sacrifice. Hand made offerings are preferable, as it shows you put some time and effort into your god and shows that you must like it. Don’t put to much stuff in your locker, not even deities like clutter. Change you offerings every so often. Let the god appreciate it, then swap out the old stuff with now stuff. Be creative! Gods get hungry, so feed them. Food can be either healthy meals, or candies (chocolate is good). Change the food every week or so, when the god is done eating it.

schedule (to be pronounced the brittish way)

well, spring break is ending. i have today (saturday) and tomorrow (sunday) to write a paper, and a script for a commercial in spanish. i promise that the final versions (with subtitles for the second one) will be posted here. the commercial should be rather surreal if i have any say in the matter. so, expect little scribbling for the next couple of days.

it will be interesting to see how a school schedule will help/hinder my writing. on one hand, it will give me a schedule where i know when i will sit down and get it done, on the other hand, it will make me busy and give me less time to write/blag.

well, i can hear my english essay calling.

zlotnian calculator

i own a fine zlotnian calculator. truely a wanderfull invention, and has saved me many a time in math club. no true mathamatician is complete without one.

according to my reaserch, the company responsible for brining such a vital impliment into classrooms and machematicians pockets is keuffel and esser co. while this majestic calculator's history remains a bit of an enigma, i continue to use it on a daily basis, and encourage you to as well. not a day goes by when i do not thank my lucky stars for such a gift. these paltry words cannot come close to expressing my gratitude for such a revolutionary device.

thank you keuffel and esser co.!

The basketball in the pond.

Hark! O’er yonder hill! There is a pond! A pond! A pond with sludge!

Sang the children.

But not billy pep. For billy pep was mute. This did not please his teatures. They would poke and prod use behavioral modification. But to no avail. He just sat by the pond, and
Didn’t sing and didn’t sing. And didn’t sing.

One day, one beautiful, blue day, he was sitting in a basketball court, and a basketball bludgeoned him on the head. He arose, shouted for joy, picked up the basketball and threw it in the pond with the sludge.

Then he cried:

“and lo, I speak oh joyous day. It has bean many a year that I have gone without a word!”

and thus little billy pep learned to talk.



new stories later. i might also publish some old notebooks (maybe as far back as 2003)

a quick distraction

so, i recently apeared under my pseudoname, "ja'son" on jeremy's podcast.

no, a quick little shoutout, i would like to thank my first reader, that i know of, who was not a friend of mine! w00t!
addmittedly, i was chastised for my spelling of hooting yard "hooting yand" you can find a link on the side of this page. over there.

what's that, you can't find it?

well you're not looking hard enough!

fine, it's over there in the corner. look, if you're that incompatent, you should go back to school. i know it's not fun, i go there too. seriously, i do. look, if you still can't find it, i'll come over to your house and help you, if you pay for it.

anywhay, a new story thing will be up soon.

"it is an army bread for a single purpose: to destroy the world of men"
-aragorn

60 hours

so, i didn't tell you yesterday when it was that i got to sleep. i apologize for this. se, i didn't get to sleep 'till 21:00 local (5:00 gmt) and had bean awake for over 60 hours. at this point i had gotten a call from a friend , without remembering it. so, you can immagine why i didn't tell my devout readers. ah well...

anyway, i stayed up for 60 hours!! without caffine!!! w00t!!!!!

48 hours

i have successfully stayed awake for 48 hours, without caffeine. this facade started at 6:10 on friday, and i officially reached this landmark at 6:10 on sunday.

what i have learned.
1, there is little programing on any channel
2) those channels with programing, it is rarely good.
c; one of the most frequent commercials (for those channels that actually have programing) advertise various sleep medication/insomnia cures.
4 everything is several times funnier after the fist 30 hours of so.
00101, night time is harder than day time regardless of how long you have bean awake.
6. mindless tasks should be left for nighttime. e.g. watching t.v, leave something more sophisticated like reading a book for later in the day.
g, the twilight zone is a really good show.

i will continue to stay awake at all hours for a while. i will tell you when i finally go to bed.

Aki Inoue bravely goes to the land of the meat-beings.

It was 5:40 in the morning, and Shoda Flempkensop had bean awake since 6:00 the previous day. He was having hardest time downloading a copy of Revenge of the Mutant Camels for his Macintosh. He sighed.
“you just can’t get quality games anymore” he whispered to the cat sitting on the couch.
The cat yawned an stretched, then got up and went somewhere else. Shoda paid her little interest. Though this was a great mistake, had shoda followed the cat, he would have discovered a great many things, some of which may help him in the near future. But he did not. Fortunately, we do.

As our heroine of this story, aki inoue, leapt onto the windowsill, and slipped out of a crack in the masonry. She traveled behind the dumpsters, and found a small portal. She entered. She walked out the other side. This new world was full of strange and wonderful things, otherworldly things, cube-ish things and spherical things and mostly purple things. Aki did not like this strange new world. It made her hair stand on end and was rather unnerving. So he sat still and chewed on a piece of reed that she had brought with her. After a while, a rather meaty thing slithered over to her. It spoke. It spoke gibberish. It tried writing. Fortunately for aki, and fortunately for the meat-being, she could interpret such a glagolitic script. She then wrote on the ground before her, and the meat-being understood. And they conversed thusly for many hours, and their writings covered all the ground, many of the walls, and some of the air around the portal. The meat-being slithered away, and Aki sidled back through the portal, out from behind the dumpster, back into the house through the crack in the masonry, and sat on the now asleep Shoda’s lap, knowing that she had saved the world from another disaster.

cactus wood staff.

I have a cactus wood staff. It is a quiet beatific piece of cactus wood, al mottled brown and black with a nice grip. A truly marvelous piece of work. Its long, wield, and sometimes violent history stands as a testament to its workmanship. Such a wonderful story cannot go untold, and thus I spent many years of my life working on it, only now to have bean completed.

As far as I can tell, this marvelous came from a cactus of the Carnegiea gigantean variety2, that was sprouted in or about 1738 in a small area just southeast of where Tucson, Arizona is today. It grew in about as much peace as a cactus in a desert can expect until a fateful day in about 1812 when it contracted a disease of unknown origin. Sometime in the winter 1818 I died and by the summer of 1819 all of its flesh had rotted away, leaving only the wooden bones. These bones where collected by a Christian missionary named father Mitchelson, and taken back to his home. Mitchelson was a woodworker of high renown in those days, and was considered to be the best carver in the entire southwest. This is strongly backed up by some of his previous pieces which include an eagle on a rainy day, flag of our grandsons, depicting a United states flag with 51 stars on it, and my very favorite piece, a flange of unparalleled wonder and compose. This new piece that Father Mitchelson had planned to hew out of his piece of cactus wood was supposed to put him on the map, and assure that he would be considered the best woodworker in all the land. He had planned to carve his piece of wood into a staff of such marvel, of such astounding grandeur that it would confound and amaze even the most skilled of woodworkers for generations to come.

But alas, this endeavor was, unfortunately, fated not to be completed as planed. The next morning the omens started to show themselves. First he saw a pigeon perched atop a cow, a rare occurrence considering pigeons do not reside in the southwest. Un daunted by this, Father Mitchelson started to whittle and sand and do the other various magical things that champion woodworkers did in the early nineteenth century. Having made the staff into its rough shape, he ate some soup, and retired for the day. Father Mitchelson awoke the next day and began to work. At noon that day, a group of bloodthirsty, malevolent bandits, wholly ignorant of art pillaged their way through town. After robbing the bank and the tavern, they proceded to ride off into the sunset. Unfortunately for father Mitchelson, his house lay between the town and the sunset. As the past, firing their guns into the air, they came upon his shack. The shot him dead, and ransacked the place. t’was a horrid day for the of the art of woodworking.

And so the stay passed into the hands of Father Mitchelson’s nephew, Bartholemew. Or, at least it was supposed to. Back in those days the post took years to travel the country, and in that time a great many calamities happened. Bartholemew was a blacksmith by trade and a candle maker by preference.

And so one day, bartholemew was eating his dinner, and a messenger came in.

“speak” he said.

“sirrah, I have a parcel for your convenience.” Said the messenger.

“thank you, now begon!” said bartholemew.

Never beaing one for waiting, bartholemew tore off the paper, and fond:
A letter, informing him of his fathers death.
The protostaff.
A page of an encyclopedia
And a chocolate bar.

Bartholomew ate the chocolate bar while he read the letter. Then he sprange and shouted:

“oh dear! Oh woe is me! My uncle is dead! Oh terrible day!”

from here, the reacord stops. I know very little about the staffs history, however, we do know that it was in at least one war, was carved by a monk, and spent a day at the bottom of a lake. I purchased it in a pawn shop, for a grand total of $5.

With luck, more research will reveal the mystery that enfolds this wonderful object.

that door

it has bean a little while since i last posted. here is a short (and bad) piece. i might make it better some time.

Have you seen that door down the hall?
No?
Well then, you had better go and see it.
You don’t know how?
Well it’s simple, just get up from your computer where you have planted your back side and stride out your front door. Once there walk 17 steps out until you reach your mailbox. You might need to take shorter or longer steps depending on the distance. For those whose mailbox is a while away, you may need to drive your car to get there. Once you have reached your mailbox, turn left and go that way for a block. Then turn due south and walk until you find a cheep motel. Walk inside of the motel. Buy a room and go into it. Look around for a while and deposit any bags you may have brought with you. Then go into the hall, turn right and go to the door down the hall.

I’ll wait for you.


Ok, now that you are here, you’ll want to open the door.
What’s that? It locked?
Well then, it is a simple matter of getting the key out from under the doormat.
It’s not there you say?
Well you will have to demonstrate your proficiency as a lockpick.
Once on the other side of the door, make sure you have locked it behind you. Continue forward amongst all of the pipes and laundry baskets until you reach a small garden. Somewhere to your left will be the entrance to a hedge maze, which you will have to navigate it in order to get to the center. You will now be in front of a small cherubic statute. Touch its nose to open a portal. Boldly step inside to access your treasure.

You are now rich beyond your imaginations, as you have discovered the lair of tralb, the dragon.

my desk

this is a wonderful picture of my desk.

if you look closely, you will find:
my laptop, a second screen for it, a second computer (rarely used), a copy of the qua'ran (spelled koran), a bunch of coins (susan b anthony 1 dollar coins), a piccolo case, several pairs of dice, a sand garden (hidden, but there), a stack of CD's, lip balm, a bunch of pencils, a power strip, a pack of mints, a case full of optical prisms, a purple platypus plushie, a box set of sci-fi dvd's of questionable quality, my wallet (made of duck tape), a retainer case, a canadian flag (gotta have patriotism for more than one country so i can flee to either as necessary), a bunch of peeps from last years easter (left in open for a year and still light and fluffy), blue sharpie, a nine volt battery (complete with LED light fixture) several SD memory cards of varying size, a cell phone (bereft of case) and a paper cup where i put lentil beans that still liter my desk and surrounding floor.

you get 1 point for each item found and 10 extra credit points for finding them all. i recommend opening the picture in another window so as to make it larger


with any luck it will eventually be cleared enough so that i can work by candle light, like my forefathers. most likely this will happen when the sands of time run dry, the earth shakes, and the four horsemen of the apocalypse reign their terror upon us.

a new project

on top of writing more often, i plan to (but may not go through with it for a verity of reasons) document an average day by strapping a camera onto my chest and taking photos in time lapse.

i offer no guarantees, i haven't even asked about the potential legal ramifications (who'd have thought that people don't want their pictures online???)

a poem of sorts and a short storry

so, i needed to submit a something (as in just about anything) to be published to get some credit for english class. here are the two things that i wrote.
(warning not for the faint of heart, last i wrote a poem, 3 people died of internal hemorrhaging. i suggest you skip to the short story.


Fnord is the difference between stationary and stationery
Fnord is the 3 in H2O
Fnord is the green vertical lines on the college ruled paper
Fnord is the reason proprietary soft wear costs money
Fnord is the feeling you get when you forget what made something a bad idea
Fnord’s logic runs on peanut oil.
Fnord does everything! All ways!
Fnord is a bunch of radius
Fnord is a rice hull stuck in your teeth for medical purposes
Fnord has a production defect rate of Six Sigma
Fnord is a time traveling Raman noodle
Fnord is the daisy passing for a rose
Fnord is 5 minuets 35 seconds and 2 furlongs after tomorrow
Fnord’s friend is sentient yogurt
Fnord is the reason I wrote this
Fnord is why my math teacher is
Fnord is why math works
Fnord is neither a particle nor a wave

and now my second piece. be nice, this is my first attempt at anything like this.

Here I sit in the orthodontist’s waiting room. There are a several leather chairs, and a couple other people. I brush my teeth to make them sparkly and sit down. One by one the others are picked of by the orthodontist’s assistants. I linger just long enough to see the soulless husks ejected from the orthodontist and his unruly bunch.

Finally my name is called. Being a veteran of this dismal place, I know that resistance is futile, as they will tip one’s chair up and onto a conveyer belt and lead you kicking and screaming, into the office. I stand up and complacently walk out the back, through a field, and into the orthodontist’s office.

Lurking in a corner is the orthodontist’s chair. Big and sinister, like a monster out of the nightmare of a tiny child, the chair squats in the corner waiting for its next crispy chicken style meal. I steal my self and tentatively sit down.

Almost immediately, the chairs soporific power enfolds me and I begin to drift into a dream land filled with small, pointy needles and little plastic chairs. I am rudely awakened by the creaking of a door as the orthodontist, trailed by an assistant, enter.

Like clockwork, they begin to shackle me to the chair. Binding me first at my wrists, then at my ankles, they work their way up my limps and abdomen until I am completely immobilized. The orthodontist then begins to place a wide variety of clamps and rusty old vices into my mouth, while the assistant begins pumping my veins and arteries full of gamma-hydroxybutyric acid, and I loose consciousness.

And here I am today, fully recovered, with perfectly strait teeth and a small scar where my soul was removed as payment.


if you have survived thus far, you should win a metal

so, the school(referred here as an organization, like the government) is always telling you that everyone is created equal.
they also maintain that we are all different in our own ways, and need to be educated differently(smarter kids go here, dumber kids go there, kids who like art this way etc.).
another example of school bureaucracy.